[Tony jerks back without being pushed like his shoulders were attached to invisible strings. It's a normal response, trying to stop an injured person from over-exerting themselves, but he still watches Elena in confusion. Maybe he's still reeling from the fact that she seemed to be back to her normal self, or just the break from her sobbing to practically lunging at him. And he hasn't been conscious, that long. It's hard enough to process her words when they seemed to be going a thousand miles per minute.
Even if she avoids his gaze, he seeks it out, studying the pain that was written into her face. He hears her mention something about a scar, which he registers as less of an issue when his chest was already marked up from the surgery he had to get the arc reactor removed. The faint circle of scar tissue, like he'd been attacked in a dark alley with a giant cookie cutter. Maybe he'd see how bad this recent damage was before making a decision on drinking magic blood.
Elena deflates, and for a second, he thinks she's talking about the accident, but that doesn't make sense. From there, he realizes that she's remembering the terrible pain of feeling.]
Why did you turn it off? [Even if he thinks he already knows, and has spent the last four months coming up with alternate theories, he still wants to know the truth.]
( why. that's a hard question to answer, because it's not like it was one thing. it was so many things, all taken together — steve's cold detachment, after she came clean about compelling barnes, and his death before she could make it right, vriska's transfer, that they were on earth, with humans still inhabiting it, everything that had happened to her in the past three years anyway. tony's rejection was just the last in a series of soul-destroying events that elena eventually just couldn't take.
but tony deserves to know the truth, even if giving it feels like revealing something a little too real. she takes a deep breath, turning over her hands and tangling her fingers in the sheets. )
It was a lot of things. I don't know if you've read my file, but I... I lost a lot before I came here. And then I just kept losing more, and I had to kill, and then you... ( here she pauses, grimacing. ) I don't blame you, that's not what I mean, I just...
( it takes a couple seconds before she can finish, but when she does, she just sounds angry with herself. )
You were afraid of me. So I decided that being the worst version of myself was better than feeling anything at all, because I'm a selfish bitch. I'm no better than Katherine.
( which might not make sense to tony, as he's never met her, but it's just about the worst thing elena can say about herself. )
[Tony read Elena's file: the story of a young woman that lost countless loved ones, as well as her mortal life. Part of what made it so hard to watch Elena lose her humanity was the hidden admiration that he had for her spirit, still feeling so much compassion and caring for others, despite her pain and loss. It was one of the things that made her circle in his mind, even when he wasn't trying to think about her.
He doesn't know who Katherine is and doesn't ask because it seems like an irrelevant piece of trivia bracketed by everything else--or rather it doesn't stand out as much as the parts that directly have to do with him.
Tony scrunches his forehead as he tries to remember being scared of her. He really searches his brain, even wonders if he suffered a brain injury when the nanobots destroyed his suit because it factored into her cause to turn off her humanity. It must have been significant. And he still has no fucking clue.]
...I was pissed. But that was long after you locked Jiminy Cricket in the storage closet.
[He presses his lips together, giving it one more chance to pop up, and then he gives up. Admits ignorance.]
( it's... not what elena was expecting. for tony to reassure her, maybe, that now that she's herself again he's not afraid. or to confirm that yes, he was afraid, but he can get past it. or, realistically, to say he was afraid, but now he's just disgusted. the things she's said, the things she's done... tony was there for all of it, and even started working on ways to protect her when jack started threatening her — something that was her fault in the first place. he saw all of it, and he must hate her now, even if he'd been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before.
but he's not saying that. he sounds... genuinely confused, like he can't think of what she could even be talking about. elena had seen his face, though, can still remember it like it was yesterday — she'd gotten carried away by the bloodlust, all her awareness narrowed down to the human struggling and screaming in her grasp. the man had stabbed her, clawed at her arms, screamed until he couldn't breathe, and she never let go. she just drank and drank and drank until he stopped fighting, and when she'd finally come back to herself and dropped the corpse, tony was staring at her with a look on his face... elena couldn't read it, hadn't wanted to. so she ran, as fast as she could, and tore out the knife still embedded in her side and cried so hard she felt like vomiting, and after that... after that she'd known what she had to do.
she bites her lip, spreading her fingers over the sheets to smooth them out, still studiously avoiding tony's eyes. )
The fight, before I turned it off. There was a man, he tried to kill you, he got close enough that I got scared, and... ( she has to take a breath now, letting it out in one long sigh. ) I couldn't control myself. I bit him, I'd meant to just drop him, but then he stabbed me, and all I could think of was how close he'd come to hurting you, and I'd never really... fed on anyone like that. When they were struggling and scared and there was adrenaline, and I'd always been so tightly controlled about feeding and I was so scared, and giving in to the bloodlust felt... good. I gave in for a second, and when I looked up you had this look on your face... I'd never seen it before. Not from you.
( unconsciously, elena curls in on herself again, making herself small, and wraps her arms around her stomach. )
You were afraid of me. I'd done the thing I always said I wouldn't, and I scared you in the process, and after everything else... I just didn't know how else to deal. So I took the easy way out and I made everything a million times worse.
[Tony lifts his eyebrows a little to hear that the man was planning to kill him. He had his back turned at the time, engulfed in fighting the humans that grew up on this alternate earth and were much harder to remove himself from than the aliens on Ajna and Macha. But he had to, to survive, and to protect the people he cared about. He remembers knocking two soldiers unconscious with his repulsor beams; it was the sound of shouting that got him to turn around.
He has seen Elena bite into his wrist when she needed blood, and he has seen his fair share of vampire media. Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward Cullen--nothing really prepared Tony to see the real thing. It feels less like those television shows and movies, and more like something from the animal planet: he'd seen that same thrashing, wide-eyed panic from an antelope being killed by a lioness. The CDC hasn't desensitized him enough to not be shocked by that image.
But it's knowing Elena that set his nerves on edge. Elena that would rather starve than hurt anyone. Elena that confided with him about the guilt she felt about what they were forced to do in the CDC. If there was any fear in his expression, it was the fear of what acting on instinct (even a completely justified act) could do to her conscience when the fighting was over.
It wasn't fear of Elena. It was concern.
A part of him feels sheepish to correct her on the misunderstanding when it had caused her to turn off her humanity for four months. For that matter, he feels irrational guilt for being unconsciously responsible for Elena turning her humanity off. If he had known, or somehow picked up on it, if it was possible for him to tell her how he really felt. Though there's no guarantee that would've solved anything.
When she shrinks back into a ball, he doesn't reach for her again, only because he's digesting everything she's told him.
Tony also becomes deeply fascinated with the blanket over his legs.]
I don't know what you did. [As far as making everything worse goes.] It's not like either one of us can go back or change the past, but what happened...it's not what you think.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Even if she avoids his gaze, he seeks it out, studying the pain that was written into her face. He hears her mention something about a scar, which he registers as less of an issue when his chest was already marked up from the surgery he had to get the arc reactor removed. The faint circle of scar tissue, like he'd been attacked in a dark alley with a giant cookie cutter. Maybe he'd see how bad this recent damage was before making a decision on drinking magic blood.
Elena deflates, and for a second, he thinks she's talking about the accident, but that doesn't make sense. From there, he realizes that she's remembering the terrible pain of feeling.]
Why did you turn it off? [Even if he thinks he already knows, and has spent the last four months coming up with alternate theories, he still wants to know the truth.]
no subject
but tony deserves to know the truth, even if giving it feels like revealing something a little too real. she takes a deep breath, turning over her hands and tangling her fingers in the sheets. )
It was a lot of things. I don't know if you've read my file, but I... I lost a lot before I came here. And then I just kept losing more, and I had to kill, and then you... ( here she pauses, grimacing. ) I don't blame you, that's not what I mean, I just...
( it takes a couple seconds before she can finish, but when she does, she just sounds angry with herself. )
You were afraid of me. So I decided that being the worst version of myself was better than feeling anything at all, because I'm a selfish bitch. I'm no better than Katherine.
( which might not make sense to tony, as he's never met her, but it's just about the worst thing elena can say about herself. )
no subject
He doesn't know who Katherine is and doesn't ask because it seems like an irrelevant piece of trivia bracketed by everything else--or rather it doesn't stand out as much as the parts that directly have to do with him.
Tony scrunches his forehead as he tries to remember being scared of her. He really searches his brain, even wonders if he suffered a brain injury when the nanobots destroyed his suit because it factored into her cause to turn off her humanity. It must have been significant. And he still has no fucking clue.]
...I was pissed. But that was long after you locked Jiminy Cricket in the storage closet.
[He presses his lips together, giving it one more chance to pop up, and then he gives up. Admits ignorance.]
When was I ever afraid of you?
no subject
but he's not saying that. he sounds... genuinely confused, like he can't think of what she could even be talking about. elena had seen his face, though, can still remember it like it was yesterday — she'd gotten carried away by the bloodlust, all her awareness narrowed down to the human struggling and screaming in her grasp. the man had stabbed her, clawed at her arms, screamed until he couldn't breathe, and she never let go. she just drank and drank and drank until he stopped fighting, and when she'd finally come back to herself and dropped the corpse, tony was staring at her with a look on his face... elena couldn't read it, hadn't wanted to. so she ran, as fast as she could, and tore out the knife still embedded in her side and cried so hard she felt like vomiting, and after that... after that she'd known what she had to do.
she bites her lip, spreading her fingers over the sheets to smooth them out, still studiously avoiding tony's eyes. )
The fight, before I turned it off. There was a man, he tried to kill you, he got close enough that I got scared, and... ( she has to take a breath now, letting it out in one long sigh. ) I couldn't control myself. I bit him, I'd meant to just drop him, but then he stabbed me, and all I could think of was how close he'd come to hurting you, and I'd never really... fed on anyone like that. When they were struggling and scared and there was adrenaline, and I'd always been so tightly controlled about feeding and I was so scared, and giving in to the bloodlust felt... good. I gave in for a second, and when I looked up you had this look on your face... I'd never seen it before. Not from you.
( unconsciously, elena curls in on herself again, making herself small, and wraps her arms around her stomach. )
You were afraid of me. I'd done the thing I always said I wouldn't, and I scared you in the process, and after everything else... I just didn't know how else to deal. So I took the easy way out and I made everything a million times worse.
no subject
He has seen Elena bite into his wrist when she needed blood, and he has seen his fair share of vampire media. Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward Cullen--nothing really prepared Tony to see the real thing. It feels less like those television shows and movies, and more like something from the animal planet: he'd seen that same thrashing, wide-eyed panic from an antelope being killed by a lioness. The CDC hasn't desensitized him enough to not be shocked by that image.
But it's knowing Elena that set his nerves on edge. Elena that would rather starve than hurt anyone. Elena that confided with him about the guilt she felt about what they were forced to do in the CDC. If there was any fear in his expression, it was the fear of what acting on instinct (even a completely justified act) could do to her conscience when the fighting was over.
It wasn't fear of Elena. It was concern.
A part of him feels sheepish to correct her on the misunderstanding when it had caused her to turn off her humanity for four months. For that matter, he feels irrational guilt for being unconsciously responsible for Elena turning her humanity off. If he had known, or somehow picked up on it, if it was possible for him to tell her how he really felt. Though there's no guarantee that would've solved anything.
When she shrinks back into a ball, he doesn't reach for her again, only because he's digesting everything she's told him.
Tony also becomes deeply fascinated with the blanket over his legs.]
I don't know what you did. [As far as making everything worse goes.] It's not like either one of us can go back or change the past, but what happened...it's not what you think.