[Tony read Elena's file: the story of a young woman that lost countless loved ones, as well as her mortal life. Part of what made it so hard to watch Elena lose her humanity was the hidden admiration that he had for her spirit, still feeling so much compassion and caring for others, despite her pain and loss. It was one of the things that made her circle in his mind, even when he wasn't trying to think about her.
He doesn't know who Katherine is and doesn't ask because it seems like an irrelevant piece of trivia bracketed by everything else--or rather it doesn't stand out as much as the parts that directly have to do with him.
Tony scrunches his forehead as he tries to remember being scared of her. He really searches his brain, even wonders if he suffered a brain injury when the nanobots destroyed his suit because it factored into her cause to turn off her humanity. It must have been significant. And he still has no fucking clue.]
...I was pissed. But that was long after you locked Jiminy Cricket in the storage closet.
[He presses his lips together, giving it one more chance to pop up, and then he gives up. Admits ignorance.]
( it's... not what elena was expecting. for tony to reassure her, maybe, that now that she's herself again he's not afraid. or to confirm that yes, he was afraid, but he can get past it. or, realistically, to say he was afraid, but now he's just disgusted. the things she's said, the things she's done... tony was there for all of it, and even started working on ways to protect her when jack started threatening her — something that was her fault in the first place. he saw all of it, and he must hate her now, even if he'd been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before.
but he's not saying that. he sounds... genuinely confused, like he can't think of what she could even be talking about. elena had seen his face, though, can still remember it like it was yesterday — she'd gotten carried away by the bloodlust, all her awareness narrowed down to the human struggling and screaming in her grasp. the man had stabbed her, clawed at her arms, screamed until he couldn't breathe, and she never let go. she just drank and drank and drank until he stopped fighting, and when she'd finally come back to herself and dropped the corpse, tony was staring at her with a look on his face... elena couldn't read it, hadn't wanted to. so she ran, as fast as she could, and tore out the knife still embedded in her side and cried so hard she felt like vomiting, and after that... after that she'd known what she had to do.
she bites her lip, spreading her fingers over the sheets to smooth them out, still studiously avoiding tony's eyes. )
The fight, before I turned it off. There was a man, he tried to kill you, he got close enough that I got scared, and... ( she has to take a breath now, letting it out in one long sigh. ) I couldn't control myself. I bit him, I'd meant to just drop him, but then he stabbed me, and all I could think of was how close he'd come to hurting you, and I'd never really... fed on anyone like that. When they were struggling and scared and there was adrenaline, and I'd always been so tightly controlled about feeding and I was so scared, and giving in to the bloodlust felt... good. I gave in for a second, and when I looked up you had this look on your face... I'd never seen it before. Not from you.
( unconsciously, elena curls in on herself again, making herself small, and wraps her arms around her stomach. )
You were afraid of me. I'd done the thing I always said I wouldn't, and I scared you in the process, and after everything else... I just didn't know how else to deal. So I took the easy way out and I made everything a million times worse.
[Tony lifts his eyebrows a little to hear that the man was planning to kill him. He had his back turned at the time, engulfed in fighting the humans that grew up on this alternate earth and were much harder to remove himself from than the aliens on Ajna and Macha. But he had to, to survive, and to protect the people he cared about. He remembers knocking two soldiers unconscious with his repulsor beams; it was the sound of shouting that got him to turn around.
He has seen Elena bite into his wrist when she needed blood, and he has seen his fair share of vampire media. Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward Cullen--nothing really prepared Tony to see the real thing. It feels less like those television shows and movies, and more like something from the animal planet: he'd seen that same thrashing, wide-eyed panic from an antelope being killed by a lioness. The CDC hasn't desensitized him enough to not be shocked by that image.
But it's knowing Elena that set his nerves on edge. Elena that would rather starve than hurt anyone. Elena that confided with him about the guilt she felt about what they were forced to do in the CDC. If there was any fear in his expression, it was the fear of what acting on instinct (even a completely justified act) could do to her conscience when the fighting was over.
It wasn't fear of Elena. It was concern.
A part of him feels sheepish to correct her on the misunderstanding when it had caused her to turn off her humanity for four months. For that matter, he feels irrational guilt for being unconsciously responsible for Elena turning her humanity off. If he had known, or somehow picked up on it, if it was possible for him to tell her how he really felt. Though there's no guarantee that would've solved anything.
When she shrinks back into a ball, he doesn't reach for her again, only because he's digesting everything she's told him.
Tony also becomes deeply fascinated with the blanket over his legs.]
I don't know what you did. [As far as making everything worse goes.] It's not like either one of us can go back or change the past, but what happened...it's not what you think.
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no subject
He doesn't know who Katherine is and doesn't ask because it seems like an irrelevant piece of trivia bracketed by everything else--or rather it doesn't stand out as much as the parts that directly have to do with him.
Tony scrunches his forehead as he tries to remember being scared of her. He really searches his brain, even wonders if he suffered a brain injury when the nanobots destroyed his suit because it factored into her cause to turn off her humanity. It must have been significant. And he still has no fucking clue.]
...I was pissed. But that was long after you locked Jiminy Cricket in the storage closet.
[He presses his lips together, giving it one more chance to pop up, and then he gives up. Admits ignorance.]
When was I ever afraid of you?
no subject
but he's not saying that. he sounds... genuinely confused, like he can't think of what she could even be talking about. elena had seen his face, though, can still remember it like it was yesterday — she'd gotten carried away by the bloodlust, all her awareness narrowed down to the human struggling and screaming in her grasp. the man had stabbed her, clawed at her arms, screamed until he couldn't breathe, and she never let go. she just drank and drank and drank until he stopped fighting, and when she'd finally come back to herself and dropped the corpse, tony was staring at her with a look on his face... elena couldn't read it, hadn't wanted to. so she ran, as fast as she could, and tore out the knife still embedded in her side and cried so hard she felt like vomiting, and after that... after that she'd known what she had to do.
she bites her lip, spreading her fingers over the sheets to smooth them out, still studiously avoiding tony's eyes. )
The fight, before I turned it off. There was a man, he tried to kill you, he got close enough that I got scared, and... ( she has to take a breath now, letting it out in one long sigh. ) I couldn't control myself. I bit him, I'd meant to just drop him, but then he stabbed me, and all I could think of was how close he'd come to hurting you, and I'd never really... fed on anyone like that. When they were struggling and scared and there was adrenaline, and I'd always been so tightly controlled about feeding and I was so scared, and giving in to the bloodlust felt... good. I gave in for a second, and when I looked up you had this look on your face... I'd never seen it before. Not from you.
( unconsciously, elena curls in on herself again, making herself small, and wraps her arms around her stomach. )
You were afraid of me. I'd done the thing I always said I wouldn't, and I scared you in the process, and after everything else... I just didn't know how else to deal. So I took the easy way out and I made everything a million times worse.
no subject
He has seen Elena bite into his wrist when she needed blood, and he has seen his fair share of vampire media. Dracula, Nosferatu, Edward Cullen--nothing really prepared Tony to see the real thing. It feels less like those television shows and movies, and more like something from the animal planet: he'd seen that same thrashing, wide-eyed panic from an antelope being killed by a lioness. The CDC hasn't desensitized him enough to not be shocked by that image.
But it's knowing Elena that set his nerves on edge. Elena that would rather starve than hurt anyone. Elena that confided with him about the guilt she felt about what they were forced to do in the CDC. If there was any fear in his expression, it was the fear of what acting on instinct (even a completely justified act) could do to her conscience when the fighting was over.
It wasn't fear of Elena. It was concern.
A part of him feels sheepish to correct her on the misunderstanding when it had caused her to turn off her humanity for four months. For that matter, he feels irrational guilt for being unconsciously responsible for Elena turning her humanity off. If he had known, or somehow picked up on it, if it was possible for him to tell her how he really felt. Though there's no guarantee that would've solved anything.
When she shrinks back into a ball, he doesn't reach for her again, only because he's digesting everything she's told him.
Tony also becomes deeply fascinated with the blanket over his legs.]
I don't know what you did. [As far as making everything worse goes.] It's not like either one of us can go back or change the past, but what happened...it's not what you think.